{}

Jacks Corner

a Chance for a few old Salts to Cackle

 

It is currently 22 Oct 2018 12:06

All times are UTC [ DST ]




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 4 posts ] 
Author Message
PostPosted: 29 Mar 2013 06:01 
Offline
User avatar
 
CPO CPO

Joined: 04 Apr 2007 13:11
Posts: 4190
Location: Brisbane Queensland Australia
Subject: Fwd: COURT REPORTER









Be sure you are sitting down when you read these responses.

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER. These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place:

> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
> WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
> WITNESS: My name is Susan!
> _______________________________
> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> ____________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
> ____________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
> WITNESS: July 18th.
> ATTORNEY: What year?
> WITNESS: Every year.
> _____________________________________
> ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
> WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
> ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
> WITNESS: Forty-five years.
> _________________________________
> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> WITNESS: I forget..
> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
> ___________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
> sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> ____________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
> WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
> ___________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
> _________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> WITNESS: Getting laid
> ____________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> WITNESS: None.
> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a
> new attorney?
> ____________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
> WITNESS: By death..
> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> WITNESS: Take a guess.
> ___________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
> _____________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
> deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
People?
> WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
> _________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
> WITNESS: Oral...
> _________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
> WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
> ____________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
> ______________________________________
> ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS LAST ONE BEST!!!!
>
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
> WITNESS: No..
> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
> began the autopsy?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

_________________
Have been out here in Brisbane for 40 years. Miss the Andrew, the good mates and the runs ashore we all use to have. Miss being "G" "medically "T"


Top
 Profile Send private message  
 
PostPosted: 29 Mar 2013 17:05 
Offline
User avatar
 
F/CPO F/CPO

Joined: 25 Oct 2007 22:52
Posts: 5567
Location: Paradise, California
:lol: :lol: :lol: Old ones, but still funny :lol: :lol: :lol:


Top
 Profile Send private message  
 
PostPosted: 31 Mar 2013 16:15 
Offline
User avatar
 
CPO CPO

Joined: 05 Apr 2007 08:16
Posts: 3773
Location: Lee on the Solent
Very good Doug!!

_________________
Teuchter


Top
 Profile Send private message  
 
PostPosted: 31 Mar 2013 17:17 
Offline
User avatar
 
Commodore Commodore

Joined: 01 Dec 2006 20:53
Posts: 21269
Location: South West England
Aye Dougie up to your usual standards mate!


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 4 posts ] 

All times are UTC [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group